I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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