i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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