well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
