Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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