Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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