I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
