Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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