i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
