Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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