this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
