Barsexuality is the new black.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
