Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize