Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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