we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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