so explain again why im purple
no
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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