I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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