just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
