based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
