I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize