I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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