dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
