i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
