We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
