you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
