Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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