her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
