how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
