Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
