I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
