We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
