just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize