she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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