You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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