sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
