What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
