new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
