dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I faked an abortion last night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
