the condom got lost in my hair
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Did I show you my penis last night?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Randomize
