She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
