I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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