Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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