Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
