the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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