I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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