I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You're like the curious george of whores
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize