And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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