The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
