matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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