i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
