I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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