She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize