okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
