don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
