Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
