I accidentally had phone sex last night
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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