you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
