"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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