I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
